nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
