My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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