If that was your dad, he is hot
I take back everything I said about communal showers
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Randomize
