It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
