Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
