you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
