I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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