The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
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