1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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