where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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