This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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