I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
