yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm like, not good at living.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize