remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
what day is it and did you see me today?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm just crazy horny about you
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
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