Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
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Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
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I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
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