her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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