Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize