I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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