I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
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In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
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It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.