Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
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The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
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Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
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DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!