i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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