I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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