Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
