we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
