areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
