No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
