my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
