im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
