you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
