My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
So apparently I’m into choking now
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