this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
