It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
