well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
