I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
