I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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