I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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