I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
We got so high we made milksteak
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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