That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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