Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
he just fucked me for my cheese..
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
