what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
This can only be settled by a dance off.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
