shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
