we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
