I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize
