I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
