So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
