I think my fart just growled at me.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
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