He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
