omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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