I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
my liver is dry heaving
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
