I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Randomize
