Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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