I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Randomize
