i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
