Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
